i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
