Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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