Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
