Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
