i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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