It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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