my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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