My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
