It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
