I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
He called his prostate his "boner button".
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
