I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
