it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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