Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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