Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
