I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
where are you?
Hypothermia
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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