i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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