the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
