May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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