Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
