Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
