Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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