I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
