Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
