You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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