somebody snuck up and got me drunk
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
