Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
