Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
