saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Randomize
