the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
