I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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