Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
