sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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