And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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