She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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