i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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