I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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