I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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