I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize