Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
