tell your sister to shave her snatch
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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