i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
