When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
