i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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