my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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