im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
