Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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