It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Less talking, more tequila
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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