You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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