yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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