u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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