I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize