The maid of honor just puked.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
