the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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