i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
