please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
After tacos, we're chasing women.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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