This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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