wrigley field is MILF paradise
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
