Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
