last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
