I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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