also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
