Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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