Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
