I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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