does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
