I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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