I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
