Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
