Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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