you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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